TODD: Todd, who never knew his birth parents, was born in South Central, Los Angeles. He managed to escape from three separate ethnic families and attributes these experiences for having influenced his love for Mexican, Thai and Soul food. He was eventually taken in by a very progressive family (with ironclad fencing), and settled into a comfortable life along with his older canine brother, Evan. A solid party guy, Todd holds on-going/part-time jobs (usually food related...) and plays in his rock band, RABID! A huge fan of director, Quentin Tarantino, Todd's seen Reservoir Dogs thirty-eight times. For more, check Todd out on YouTube, Facebook and MySpace!
EVAN: Rescued at age three months, Evan was comfortable enough with his new adopted family to come out of the closet immediately. Since then, he's made it a point to hit at least three White Parties a year and claims "showing up and showing off" is the secret behind his "zero body fat" physique. He credits Ellen, Anderson Cooper, Ina Gartin, Kathy Griffin and Cher for influencing his fabulous, diversified lifestyle which inspired Evan's Cheap Thrills on his brother's show. Like Todd, Evan bears all on YouTube, Facebook and MySpace!
TJ: TJ hails from Philly, and has a plethora of "Uncles" thanks to his mom's active social life. The kid's hell-bent to find his "real dad" and as It's Todd's Show progresses, all paws point to Todd, the ultimate slacker. TJ loves slamming into walls, de-gutting stuffed animals and chewing on stairwells. "I'm a pup, it's my job."
BARK HOLLYWOOD: REPORTER’S BIOS
TREAT VANDERCLAWS: A native of his beloved Boston, Treat auditioned back in 2006 for the Scorcese Blockbuster, The Departed, but lost the role because he sounded so much like Matt Damon. Fueled by raw guts and canine know-how, Treat headed for Hollywood where he’s spent the last few years romancing & partying with Pups of Famous Celebs and really getting the 411 on the Entertainment World from a Mutt’s POV. Treat’s “bark it like it is” style made him a paw-in for the Bark Hollywood Team.
DITTI ORTEGA: Born in the South Bronx, Ditti claims to have more air miles than any dog in history having traveled extensively throughout South America, the Caribbean, Mexico and Guam. He credits Jennifer Lopez for setting his eyes toward a career in Entertainment after accidentally whizzing on one of her music charts during a Grammy’s rehearsal. Their friendship led to more show biz contacts than Paris and Perez. With a list like that, the Bark Team said “come on down, brother!”
SPARKAY FURLONG: The gal’s got a mouth, loves to get in yo’ face and holds back at nothin’! And that’s the exact verbal Molotov Cocktail the Bark Team needed to round out the gang. When she’s not shinning a big, fat light in celebrity mugs, you can find her continuing the Katrina Relief efforts in her hometown of Bay St. Louis, Mississippi. Sparkay would like to thank Wanda Sykes and Depak Chopra for teaching her to never hold back.
EVAN: An original cast member of It’s Todd’s Show and the first canine reporter on Bark Hollywood, Evan is elated that Web Peeps have responded to his entertainment driven show. Evan claims to have always known that pups world-wide have “the true scoop on all the poop” when it comes to show business due to their unique vantage point with their famous owners. He feels this particular group of mutts has what it takes to sniff out the goods and give the audience the dirt!
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AL PORCINI: Ever since the premiere of the film, The Godfather in 1972, Al Porcini has compared himself to actor Al Pacino. Let’s start with the similarity of the names (although when you consider “Our Al “ is actually Al Porcini as in Mushroom -- it tends to loose it’s Star-like Status…) Anyhoo, Porcini has successfully employed his Pacino- Riddled Voice and Moves on Babes throughout the decades. Al’s hobbies include coin collecting (hide those quarters!), sun worshipping and the craps table (if you run into him, inquire about some of his Lost Weekends in Vegas –particularly in the mid-90’s. Be prepared to be impressed…)!
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RICARDO THE INTOXICOLOGIST: WHEN IT COMES TO ECCENTRIC, WILD MIXMASTERS WITH SORDID PASTS, RICARDO THE INTOXICOLOGIST TAKES THE NUMBER ONE SPOT WORLD-WIDE! THROW A DART AT THE MAP, PICK A WATERING HOLE OR CLUB AND RICARDO’S PROBABLY BEEN THERE WITH HIS MAGIC SHAKER, LOUD COUTURE AND SCREAMING MANTRA – “OH, MARY!” TODD FINDS OUT THE HARD WAY THAT YOU NEVER, EVER TRY TO GO UP AGAINST THIS FLAMING MASTER OF CONCOCTIONS. RICARDO RULES SUPEREME!
MAGGIE: NOT MANY BABES WIN THE HEART OF OUR STAR BUT THIS LITTLE MINX HAS EL TODDIE ALL SHOOK UP. YOU KNOW HE’S SMITTEN WHEN HE ACTUALLY OFFERS TO PAY ON A DATE. TOO BAD HIS CREDIT CARDS ARE MAXED OUT TO THE MOON. WILL MAGGIE STICK AROUND? HMMM…
DAME BISQUETTE: AS MUCH AS THE DAME MISSES HER DEAR LORD BISQUETTE, ONE DOES GET LONELY AT TIMES SO THE COMPANY OF HOT & HEAVY STRANGERS IS SOMETIMES A WELCOMED SIGHT. WHAT TO DO WITH THE LITTLE PUP WHEN SUCH AN OCCASION ARISES? ENTER LA DAME WITH SOME SAGE ADVICE!
MANNY: HE’S ITALIAN, HE’S ON THE PROWL AND HE ALWAYS SCORES WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX. HOWEVER, HE MIGHT HAVE MET HIS MATCH WITH DAME BISQUETTE!
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OSCAR de CHARBONNE: Once, just a shell of a man, living in a cardboard box in downtown Detroit, Oscar de Charbonne has elevated himself to a much sought after International Motivational Speaker. Thanks mostly to listening to Tony Robbins tapes while living on Jagermeister and Pringles, Oscar (born Harry Slick) has been successfully breathing life into slackers, couch potatoes and the down-drodden for some two decades now. However, his biggest challenge comes with four legs and a mound of hair. Toddie v Oscar. Let the game mind games begin!
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COLIN DUPREE: Clearly a tad twisted and seeking attention, this “tall drink of water” has taken his act from NYC to Reno to Alberta, back to Reno, then to Scranton by way of Trenton and is now performing his talents onboard a Trolley (for captive audiences, although some folks have jumped from the moving vehicle out of desperation). Determined to “make it” in Show Biz (as much as we hate to admit it, this guy can sing and charm an audience when in the company of Absinthe…), Colin is a very special talent that has become a member of our Featured Players. For that, we bow to his unique & bent persona.
DAME BISQUETTE: Just because it’s winter doesn’t mean our four-leggeds are safe from swimming pools! Friends in those warm climates need to be aware of Pup Pool Safety starting with escape routes. La Dame thinks of everything!
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JERRY JENKINS: After spending a decade as an entomologist (yep, a bug guy…), Jerry was ready for a change. His research and fascination with deer ticks enabled him to come in contact with a lot of mutts and it’s there he got the idea to start a Dog Rental Agency. He’s been ripping off dogs for five years now (especially around the Holidays…) and there’s no end in sight. This onetime scientist now lives the life of an International Playboy, drives a Bentley and here’s the kicker: the guy owns 8 cats. Todd thinks Jenkins is the Ultimate Dweeb. If our star didn’t need the cheddar, this guy would not be on speed dial for sure.
DAME BISQUETTE: Sheer genius enters the scene in this episode as La Dame cracks the biggest problem with pets and their owners: How to avoid that Holiday Guilt when leaving the pets at home. This step- by- step scenario is sure to make a lot of canines happy this Holiday season! She’s such a treasure to four-leggeds. God, we love her.
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AL PORCINI: In 1993, Al changed his career from dry-cleaning to dog walking in order to score with women in Central Park. It worked like a charm. Now, years later, the guy’s strapped with a profession that’s pushing the limits on his endurance abilities and is down to a roster of about six mutts. Al and Todd have a Lick/Bite Relationship: They both love sniffing out babes together. Yet lately there’s been a lot of resentment since Todd’s been getting all the action.
DAME BISQUETTE: It was only a matter of time until we caught La Dame soaking in the suds with a good book, some appetizers and libations. Still, there is no “down time” when it comes to four-leggeds and once again, DB hits a homer when it comes to pup comfort.
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THE LAWN RANGER: Conceived in the Poconos, born in a tent and raised in the fields, The Lawn Ranger has been dealing exclusively with grass since his 60’s trek to Woodstock (must have been the lack of seed on all those muddy fields.. yeah, that's it...). He holds the Eastern Pennsylvania Speed Record in Lawn Mowing having cut a local Fairground (all 32 acres) in less that an hour while a fair was in progress. There are very few mishaps on record so that’s impressive. When not riding “Lucinda,” his mower, “Lawn” digs playing his electric 12-string guitar in questionable dive bars and shopping for voodoo dolls. He has over 3,200 dolls in his barn/recording studio. His latest tune, “What’s a Little Mulch when The World’s Such a Mess?” has just been released on his “Lady Lucinda” label.
THE SQUIRREL: The fact that the rodent has a write up and picture on the Featured Players page has driven Evan nuts. He sequestered himself in his room, blasting Kylie Minogue tunes for days. Todd finally lured him out with his favorite treat (pate & biscuits). However, Evan’s still royally pissed and we fear revenge is in the making. Stay tuned…
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PHILLY TODD: He may be known as “TJ”, Todd’s illegit kid, but before he tracked down his dad, this mutt roamed The Streets of Philadelphia (hence the nickname, “Philly Todd”) and continues to do so whenever he can. This half-pint knows every nook and cranny of the town including eateries, tourist sites and cool hangouts. Of course, he covers the waterfront on Philly Sports as well. His current chant: Go Phillies!
THE PHILLY LIAR’S CLUB: Based in and around the Philadelphia area, this band of talented scribes is on a mission to pump juice into Independent Bookstores. And that they do! But El Todd dares to take a closer look and discovers that although genius may run through their veins they are, in fact, contaminated mutants! The kicker? Todd’s pet sitter, Scary Uncle Jonathan, leads the pack! Can our slacker hero save the world from extinction? Are local bookstores just a haven for the undead? Should this become a major motion picture? Stay tuned!
DAME BISQUETTE: Humiliation is at its highest at Halloween when it comes to Pet Costumes. God bless “La Dame” for having the courage to tell the public they’re screwing with Fido’s head with all those ridiculous Halloween costumes the little critters are stuffed into each year. The tips offered up in this installment are proof positive that we have the world authority on pet care. We’re not quite sure what to make of the chainsaw but hey, the rest of the info makes perfect sense.
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LITICIA COTTSWOLD, NUTRITIONIST: She’s ba-aaack – but not by choice, that’s for sure. Seems Toddies’ sniffer nailed this Nutritionist/Chocoholic yet again. This time, in a dark movie theater with her pockets crammed with sweets. Looks like this bust has pushed her to the brink. The popular food therapist claims she’s giving up her Nutritionist’s license thanks to yours truly. What will she do? Russell Stover’s? Hershey’s? Godiva? We’ll keep ya posted.
DAME BISQUETTE: Leave it to “The Dame” to get a letter from Salem, Mass. concerning a dog named, Tichiba. It looks like those Salem Witch Trials cast a spell over pups as well because little “Tich” has pretty much destroyed an entire house. Watch, in awe, as La Bisquette casts a spell on this demonic pup gone bad.
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PHILLY POE GUY: This guy, The Philly Aficionado on Edgar Allan Poe, is on the Poe Beat 24/7. We here at the show so believe in his quest to get Poe’s body moved from Baltimore to Philly that we’ve actually plunked the show’s contingency budget down on a bet with a waiter at Baltimore’s Obrycki’s Crab House. PPG is a loyal member of the Philly Liar’s Club (a fine institution of Scribe Liar’s/Hooligans) and Brat Productions – the organization behind this year’s creepy & awesome Haunted Poe Event in, yep, Philly!
CREEPY EVAN: We’ve always known that Evan’s had a dark side, but must admit, this particular segment has us concerned. Anyone who suggests funeral parlor parking signs and embalming tables for gifts is either deeply disturbed or 100% on to something based on the current culture of growing crackpots. Thoughts?
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MANNY THE MOOLA: A native of Palermo, Sicily, Michaelangelo Giovanni Bella Vista spent his youth serving espresso & light fares in his father’s corner “social club.” He caught the eye of Clint Eastwood (who was in Italy shooting A Fistful of Dollars) having served the star his famed sandwiches: The Brass Knuckle Club and The Bada-Bing Bacon Burger. It was Clint’s friendship that prompted Manny to move to America where he ran his own “social club” in his all night laundromat/billiard parlor: “Stains & Games” in New York City’s, Little Italy. Manny likes to read Weird, New Jersey Magazine, in his steam room and has a mad crush on actress Julianne Moore. Insiders say he has the movie “Boogie Nights” (starring Moore) playing continuously in his penthouse.
PAULIE TUCCI: “Paulie Gravy” has been cooking for crime bosses for over 40 years. He had some notoriety in the early 80’s with his book, “This Sauce is Killer!” but sales spiraled downward after his publisher was found in a dryer on “spin-cycle” at yep, “Stains & Games.” Having never married, Paulie finds companionship with his pet gerbal “Klinker”, and parrot, “Say wha?”
DR. IRVING LOBE: World famous Family Trauma Therapist, Irving Lobe, views Todd as his most challenging subject to date due to Todd’s ability to ignore responsibility, party non-stop and dodge guilt altogether. Lobe’s latest accomplishment: He created the Drive-Thru Therapy Session where patients simply drive up to his house, chat for five minutes and then tear out for a ridiculous sum of money. Some experts find this a stroke of brilliance. Others think it’s just a quicker way for Lobe to hit the links before sunset! Hmmmm….
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GEN. GEORGE WASHINGTON: Our country’s first President has come up against a lot of challenging encounters in his life, but for some reason, Todd seems to rattle the guy’s nerves like no other. For a man who supposedly slept everywhere and helped form the basis of our fine nation, all it takes is one wise-mouthed little mutt to drive him over the edge. That being said, his patriotic persona is still overwhelming, and, let’s face it, he’s aged great -- wooden teeth and all!
DAME BISQUETTE: The Dame is back for another season of sage & sultry shenanigans peppered with advice for our four-legged pals. She spent the hiatus crafting the luscious figure that adorns the screen so pay attention during her workout video in this episode. The results are spellbinding! And how many times did you play back the gal swinging on those rings? Classic!
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The best part of doing Season One of the show was meeting with all the Human Hambones & Quirky Canines listed below. If you haven't had a chance to check out their bios - peruse away and get to know some of the most twisted people on the planet! They've really raised the wacko bar for next season and a lot of them will be headed back your way! Thanks, Featured Players, for making Season One so darn much Fun!
TODD: After years of practical testing, Our Fearless Leader goes out on a limb and divulges Top Secret Canine Information on how to handle some of Fido’s most difficult dilemmas. Todd’s Seal of Approval is priceless. Pups, you might want to Book-Mark this Episode for Future Reference.
TEO: He’s famous. Women love him. And he’s a Royal Pain in the Butt. But that’s all part of the charm! Teo travels across the Atlantic to visit Todd & Evan in order to make sure they appreciate La Dolce Vita which consists of: Soccer. Lobster. A Good Cigar. And Belching. We have to admit, both Todd and Evan took notes in every department. Hey, if ya got it – flaunt it!
DAME BISQUETTE: This time, our Grand Dame deals with Pups prone to want to cozy up at night with their owners. At times, it presents serious problems, especially if someone else is in the bed! Move over!
POOL BOY: The Fit Lad is out for a stroll and our cameras are rolling. Clearly, we here at the show never sleep!
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GODFATHER CAPO: A Native of Naples, Italy, Caponostro Garibaldi landed in America a poor, sickly pup. He managed to hitch his way to Reno, Nevada where he became a security guard for Satchatori & Sons -- who claimed they were in the dry cleaning business. Capo knew better, played his cards right (literally) and ended up running the Guard Dog Security Division for the entire Satchatori Syndicate – er, Family. He’s made a truckload of cash over the years and now lives quietly on his Eastern Estate with frequent trips to Vegas and Monte Carlo. Capo adores his nephews, Todd & Evan, and hopes to show them the old country after he testifies for a trial he can’t discuss at the moment.
DAME BISQUETTE: Just when we think she’s outdone herself, Dame Bisquette shows up with a tempting recipe for pups that even she can’t resist. The proof is in the episode as La Dame pulls a fast one on our poor little Demo Doggie. We gotta tell ya, after the cameras stopped rolling it got rather bumpy between the two. There was actual blood drawn at one point. The good news? The puppy’s healing just fine!
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DR. IRVING LOBE: Having read the complete works of Freud, Jung and Harold Robbins by the age of twelve, Irving had his mind set on healing the mentally disturbed at a very early age. With “Lobe” as his last name, his parents found this unnerving and forced their son into a career of figure skating. Irving was robbed of his childhood due to endless hours of practice on the ice. It wasn’t until a World Cup Skating Championship in Reykjavik -- where Irving literally sat down on the ice in the middle of the event and chanted “ I’m leaving this behind, I want to cure the mind” -- that his parents allowed him to follow his dream. Hundreds of patients now live a life crammed with potent awareness due to this amazing man.
EVAN: Hard to believe that our pompous little “Ev” unwinds with a good ‘ole game of Bingo. He claims it’s good for the soul and enjoys sipping a bottle of 2006 Pommard, Les Vaumuriens, Domaine Gabriel and nibbling on Gorau Glas, an award-winning blue-veined cow’s milk cheese from Anglesey, Wales while the balls spin. Oh, and he adores the spirited crowd!
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DR. LITICIA COTTSWOLD: The daughter of the famous Jamaica, Queens Chocolatier, Carl Cottswold, Liticia was weaned on milk & dark chocolate. After ballooning up to 397 pounds, she was determined shape her life and body around Nutrition. She lost an amazing 225 pounds by creating a regime based on seaweed, kelp and tree bark tea from the forests of Romania. This thrust Liticia into the multi-billion dollar health industry where she’s been melting pounds off of Chubsters for over two decades. Her “Cut Sweets/See Your Feet” book topped “Best Seller’s List “ for over eight months. The only problem is the gal’s a fraud. Todd may get a gig on Dateline for cracking this one.
OFFICER MCMANUS: Barry McManus lives to serve his Community in the Line of Duty 24/7. However, Evan is the one civilian who really gets him riled up. Ongoing doggie flirtations, endless speeding citations and all those questions about “The Mrs.” would drive the average cop to the closest watering hole. Yet, Barry McManus works through it. We, here at the show, salute you, Officer McManus. If it were up to us, we’d throw his boney little butt in the slammer for good!
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THE FEDORA: After spending most of his teen years in detention centers throughout The Bronx, “Shifty Jimmy Polk” reinvented himself after taking a two- year home-study course in financing. He not only gravitated to the World of Money with panache, but also conquered the “love/hate” relationship people have with their personal cash. Toss in The Fedora, Imported Cigars and The Hustle Factor and this guy has done just fine for himself. That is, until now. Feeling the downward slide of the Global Market, The Fedora now lives in his smoke shop until things “turn around…”
LILIANA COSTOLETTA D’AGNELLI: Known throughout Europe as The Sultry, Sensuous & Sexy Chanteuse of Cabaret & Jazz, this International Minx has broken as many men’s hearts as she has dishes (she has been known to hurl plates at the audience if caught chatting during her performance). Liliana maimed an obnoxious and verbose Russian Dignitary during a concert in Prague by nailing him with a flower vase -- only to end up marrying they guy a few weeks later. That lasted about eighteen months and went on to become one of the biggest settlements in Soviet History. Liliana is best known for her Number One International Hit “I Love You, No Walk Away, No Come Back, No Go…” Hey, the gal’s intense.
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JUDD RODDENDAM: Raised on Army bases all over the world, Judd was downing square meals, bouncing quarters off of beds and shining his dad’s boots since the age of two. This, along with being an avid collector of G.I. Joe Dolls and lover of khaki clothing and tank tops throughout his youth, helped blaze the trail toward Military Life. After being tossed out of the Marines for starting a campaign called “Ask. Tell.” -- Judd spent a few years in NYC’s Garment District before starting Doggie Boot Camp with his pal, Tony.
ANTHONY “TONY” MANAGOT: Unlike Judd, Tony hailed from a family of bakers and was pounding dough professionally by the age of eleven. By his late teens, Tony discovered the family pastry shop was a front for a gambling syndicate. Disgraced by his parent’s shortcomings, Tony joined the Marines. He served fifteen years treating troops to the likes of Apple Brown Bettys and assortments of Cannoli. Tony would like to thank Kenny, a German Shepherd he befriended on a trip to Guam, for teaching him all about loyalty and unconditional love, which lead him to The Wonderful World of Canines.
EVAN: No doubt, we’ve learned a lot about our Evan by his actions in certain episodes and his in your face philosophies via his blog. However, we must go out of our way to commend the lad this week, as he brilliantly demonstrates the Art of Camouflaging Bones throughout the house.
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MARTINI: Hey, when you’re named “Martini” you better be potent – and that she is! “Tini” –- a spunky and frisky Coton de Tulear -- seems to have Todd on edge at his local watering hole as on-lookers get hammered with a laundry list of safe-date-words. For once, Todd has met his match. Kind of weird to watch our Dog Juan go through a social melt-down. Then again, that’s what he gets for speed dating!
DAME BISQUETTE: According to The Dame, there is nothing more frustrating than having a pup lose interest in its owner. After doing extensive research to solve this dilemma, DB has devised a sure shot method that jolts little Fido into instant care and recognition. This daring method is proof-positive that our Queen of Pet Etiquette continues to rule the puppy kingdom!
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THE WAITRESS: We’ve all met this Gal. She goes by the rules. Never cracks a smile. God forbid, you ask for a selection on the menu that’s “made to order.” Yep, she’s one of those quintessential human beings who have NO BUSINESS interacting with the Paying Public. Yet, she’s been at the job for 23 years. And we’re the ongoing victims. Hey, take a tip from El Toddie. Sometimes you just have to slam it back at ‘em!
SCARY UNCLE JONATHAN: What do you say about a Serial Pet Sitter who’s on the verge of becoming the next Stephen King? When Award Winning Novelist Jonathan Maberry talks, Evan’s folks are all ears (as is Evan – no seriously, check out the ears…). This time, Scary Uncle Jonathan lecture’s to Les Parents on Evan’s ability to aid Todd in all sorts of shenanigans. He then zeros in on the scars of Pet Adoption including expert advice on Yelps for Help and astute observations on Evan’s disturbing and favorite toy, Wally.
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REE-CHAR: Born Ricardello Nunzio Baptiste, “Ree-Char” has the distinction of running one of the most unique Beauty & Spa Salons on the Eastern Seaboard. His Infamous Clients are usually picked up by Limos while treated to Singapore Slings on the way to their treatments. Also note that the wine he serves his clientele comes direct from his Vineyard just outside of the village of Bird-in-Hand in Lancaster County, Pa. Ree-Char “loves to make people glow from head to toe” and found Todd his most challenging customer to date.
PAMPERED TODD: Root canal without novacaine? Nails on a blackboard? Being stabbed in the eye with a #2 pencil? Any of these tortures are more suitable options for Todd as compared to heading to a Spa for that “coiffed” look. The whole experience was “Simply Hell” and somehow Todd figures Evan put him up to it just for spite! Ahhh, Brotherly Love!
DAME BISQUETTE: Based on the amount of feedback The Management has received regarding Dame Bisquette’s unprecedented Canine Expertise, it’s clear that she’s outdone herself this time. The fancy footwork, hidden weapons -- her command of Human to Canine Shock Value: Put it all together and you have Sterling FREE Information when it comes to having Power over your Pup!
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LUD WHITLOW: Having been born into a family of Berry Pie Eating Champions, Lud was pressured into entering State Competitions during his youth. He won three consecutive Tennessee Berry Pie Eating Trophies and then just shut down, vowing to never eat another pie. That is, until he met the curvaceous & feisty love of his life, Velma Tisdale, during a family vacation at Knott’s Berry Farm. Both got Gooseberries at first sight and the rest is Pie Palace History.
VELMA WHITLOW: No doubt about it, Velma wears the pants in the family (the woman owns over fifty pair of pedal pushers dating back to 1968…). Aside from her alluring Southern Charm and Square Dancing abilities, it was her famed Blackberry Cobbler that weaned Lud back into the Berry World. Since then, they’ve been adding pounds onto customers for some twenty-five years. And if you really want to see them light up, just say the word Amway.
SKIP BRANDYWINE: A consummate Cabaret Performer & Broadway Producer all rolled into one, Skip’s superb at taking advantage of every nook & cranny of the business. This time, the legend is busted while performing Evan’s original song, “Let’s Call Him Scott.” Leave it to our crafty Evan to be in the audience while Skip’s bangin’ out the tune! Don’t ya just love when that happens?
BOB EGAN: No one here at the show really knows if Cabaret Great, Bob Egan, was actually involved in the ripping off of “Let’s Call Him Scott” along with Skip or was just an innocent pianist the night of the debacle. He’s been named as an accomplice by Evan’s Legal Team but the jury’s still out. We hear there’s a huge petition backing Bob’s sterling character coming out of the Broadway Community in his defense. Stay tuned.
POOL BOY: Seems the Toddiecam’s been missing since the last Pool Boy Sighting. We have a pretty good idea who has it. So let’s just call it the Evancam from here on out. Per this week’s Pool Boy Discovery? Relax! Take a deep breath! Meditate!
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MR. CHEESEBRO: Adult Education Teacher, Irving Cheesebro, has taught accounting and woodcarving for over two decades. He takes special pride in his sculptured 50-foot Totem Pole, which adorns his front lawn. Despite petitions from surrounding neighborhoods, Irving is determined that the pole’s subject matter : “A” students from years gone by – stand erect for all to admire. Not afraid to show his soft side, Irving likes to bake cinnamon buns on first dates and enjoys needlepoint with his Aunt Chauncey.
APOLLO: This Frenchie shot into the world with a plethora of health problems. Or so he thinks! Apollo, hypochondriac extraordinaire, is the go to pup for anything medical. And P.S. -- he’s agoraphobic! Good thing the pup has a Fab Pad with Pool, View, Botanical Gardens and Owners who cater to his every whim. As sad as this situation could be, Evan simply adores Apollo and visits frequently. Um, did we mention the Pool, View, Gardens…
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SCARY UNCLE JONATHAN: Three Eyed Rottweilers??? Bull Mastiffs who Boil Adopted Dogs??? These are just a few of the Bedtime Stories read to Todd & Evan by Creepy Pet-Sitter, Scary Uncle Jonathan. And it doesn’t help that the guy’s an Award Winning Novelist who knows how to play “Joe Nice Guy “ when the parents are around. Seems Scary Uncle Jonathan’s scare tactics have reached new heights as demonstrated in this episode. And what’s with his obsession for Pickles & Chips? It’s Heebie-Jeebies Time!
DAME BISQUETTE: QUEEN OF PET ETIQUETTE: Does your Pup’s Appetite poop out at Dinner Time? If so, Our Grand Dame is Spot-On when it comes to getting your lethargic little four-legged to “chow down.” You may have to play this segment twice: The first time for the Tips. And the second time because you may not believe what you’ve just seen. But, hey, when it comes to DB – what else is new???
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SUNBURST: Born at 12:01 a.m., the night of the Winter Solstice in Sedona, Arizona, how could this Love Child of two cabinetmakers not see into the future? Aware that her body was a Vessel of Vision since her teens (don't ask...), Sunburst has since then dedicated her life to helping Pets and Questionable Types discover their Inner Life Force. She has traveled the Atlantic Seaboard extensively and is currently working on a book entitled "I See Through You - No, I Mean, Really!" Evan swears by her because she serves tea & biscuits, is available on a whim and cheap!
MAD MIKE RETURNS! : He's baaa-ack with sauce, mitts, prongs and gusto! Since we last saw him, MM says his Turbo Sauce is now more potent than ever. Some fans claim it's even a wild aphrodisiac seeing 24 couples left his Super Duper Bowl Party and headed straight for Cancun! Yeowie! Yet, even with all the notoriety, MM's goal is to still get Evan to hunker down and be a sports dude! Go, Mikie, Go!
FEATURED PLAYERS SHOW 7:
DAME BISQUETTE: QUEEN OF PET ETIQUETTE: There’s a new Little Hambone in the White House named “Bo” and our Grand Dame is armed with Canine Tips & Quips for Sasha and Malia Obama. Watch in awe as DB rattles off her whimsical and sage advice in honor of the First Families’ four-legged addition – and all while coiffing it up at the Beauty Parlor!
LAMONT LAURUE/PASTRY CHEF: Hailing from Europe’s Alsace-Lorraine region and having been weaned on Riesling wine & milk since childhood, no wonder Lamont has become a sugar addict! His sweet tooth manifested into a career in the culinary arts and his baking talent has taken him to pastry kitchens throughout the world. Sadly, years of inhaling sugar have turned this guy into a jaw-clutching time bomb of a screamer: he usually lasts about 2-3 months at an establishment before the proprietor orders him to get the hell away from the ovens. Todd was able to stay in the ring with him longer than most. ‘Atta boy, Toddie!
FEATURED PLAYERS SHOW 6:
STEADY EDDIE: The son of Steak House Great, Shecky Gold, “Steady” Eddie got a big bang out of gutting the bank accounts of friends and relatives alike with his uncanny Poker Skills. Determined not to flip sirloins for a living, Steady set out to rip off every card playin’ SOB on the Eastern Seaboard. Although wildly successful, Steady eventually hit a wall (with his 1976 Eldorado…). The accident made him think twice about his wild & sordid lifestyle. Then he thought a third time and went: “What the heck.” Now, determined to get back in the game, Steady’s flexing his talents once again by taking on frisky canines and sure shot losers before heading back to the Pro Circuit.
BOBBY THE CHIP: The guy eats when he’s losing and clearly no one has ever given him that note or, if so, it has NOT registered. Still, Bobby loves his Poker Night: the action, the cigar smoke and oh yeah – those chips! Whip out the dip and he’ll never leave. Security???
REGGIE: Todd’s best bud and fellow babe chaser, these two go way back. As for Reggie’s poker skills? Just look at that face. The guy couldn’t lie if his life depended on it. But don’t you worry -- Reg can afford to loose some cash every now and then. As cheap as they come, you WISH you had his stash of greenbacks. (P.S. It’s buried…)
BOB EGAN: One Singular Sensation and a Living Legend in the Cabaret World, Bob Egan has spun a plethora of Talented Performers into Stardom for over two decades. Ergo, auditioning for this Impresario is a celestial honor. Bob’s amazing teaching skills and brilliant arrangements, along with the watchful eye of world-class songmeister, SKIP BRANDYWINE, continue to keep the juices flowing for all those Bound for Broadway.
FEATURED PLAYERS SHOW 5:
TODD: Although Todd appreciates Pop Culture and subscribes to every kind of religious belief known to man in order to cover his bases –- he finds it imperative to challenge his bro, Evan, when it comes to the wildly popular best seller, “The Secret” and “The Art of Manifesting.” Upon first hearing the term, Todd tried manifesting a Prime Rib Dinner with Au Jus and Bread Puddin’. When nothing came of it, our star moved on to his usual tactics as seen in this episode. CARNIVORES: TAKE NOTES!
EVAN: Our boy Evan has been meditating and following his inner path ever since reading the book “Everyday People as Monks & Mystics” as a wee pup. Given to him by a hunky Shaman named Rick (let it go…) the book was the inspiration behind Evan’s ongoing philosophy: “Life is an extension of your everyday thoughts! You are the Master of your Universe!” Hence, Evan’s life is chock full o’ fun, thrills, Cosmos, organic salads, social events, levitation and great friends like WALLY!
WALLY: He's stuffed. He’s buffed. And he knows Evan’s every secret. Disturbing? You bet!
FEATURED PLAYERS SHOW 4:
NORMAN FISK/INSURANCE GUY: Having been a small, annoying, sinister child -- constantly ridiculed by friends and family alike, Norman decided upon a career in Revenge. For over 25 years now he’s taken delight in screwing the bejesus out of folks via his horrendously successful insurance firm. Norman is now segueing into Long Term Pet Care Insurance and everyone seems to be biting. Except for our boy, Toddie!
DAME BISQUETTE: Our Grand Dame is back and this time, she’s entering the Silent But Deadly Zone. We’ve all been there: Social gathering/a horrific scent fills the air/all eyes turn to “Little Sparky…” Watch in amazement as our Auntie Mame of Canine Behavior turns an embarrassing situation into an aromatic celebration!
FEATURED PLAYERS SHOW 3:
IRVING CHEESEBRO: Todd has been pummeling his Adult Education Accounting Teacher, Irving Cheesebro, with non-stop cheesy puns for almost two semesters. So why would this nerd accept an invitation to dinner at Todd’s pad? Enter Matchmaker, Evan, who’s sure his loose, seductive psychic, Sunburst is a Hook-Up made in Heaven for Uber-Geek Cheesebro. Desert anyone???
SUNBURST: Having to constantly defend which area of her life is actually “professional ” -- Sunburst is elated to take some time away from her spiritual responsibility (“I am house-sitting so many troubled souls”…) and just enjoy the company of canine & strangers! Although Sunburst prides herself in her gifted, mental abilities, our crafty Evan knows her real talents lie, um -- yeah: There.
HAPPY, THE REFLEXOLOGIST: Happy burst onto the dog rub trail way back when foot massages were considered light petting. He discovered his fixation with feet after graduating from Dental School and spending time in a Gypsy Compound in Romania. Evan keeps this guy on speed dial and is ecstatic that Happy went from teeth to toes! As Happy always says: “When you’re feelin’ down and really beat – it’s most likely in your feet!” Right on!
FEATURED PLAYERS SHOW 2:
THE HOUSESITTERS: This two-some is currently on the lam and therefore, not available at press time. Please write to the show if you have any clues as to their whereabouts since they took off with Todd’s favorite rain slicker and a six-pack of Samuel Adams Pale Ale. NOT. GOOD.
POOLBOY: Having grown up as a lad with his eye on the priesthood, Pool Boy, changed his tune after being pushed into a neighbor’s pool and swallowing a mouthful of chlorinated water. Hey, it might as well have been champagne ‘cause this gorgeous Adonis has been making pools sparkle ever since. Of course, the non-stop invites to uber-parties and free rides on Gulf 4’s don’t hurt. As Evan likes to say: “When it comes to eye candy -- nice to know Pool Boy’s handy -- for your screening pleasure!”
FEATURED PLAYERS SHOW 1:
MURPHY: Known to bite on the first date, this ultra-high strung Lakeland Terrier Psycho-Pooch is The Queen of Trauma. Aside from "stalking her Ex's", Murph takes pride in terrorizing the elderly, eating the mail (loves those flyers...) and darting out in front of big trucks. The Fed-Ex folks haven't delivered to her street since 2003. She's a bone-a-fide serial escape artist and, to date, no one has ever caught the gal sleeping. Ever.
MAD MIKE: Whadaya say about a guy whose media room is wallpapered with stubs from sports events? Mad Mike's wild "Grill & Chill Parties" come complete with five hi-def's, bathtub libations and famished guests ready to Chow & Growl! And you haven't lived until you've wolfed down a platter of "Mad Mike's Turbo Tasties." No one knows what the hell they actually are but hey - it's about all the sauce! Evan would rather get audited than hang with this guy. As for Todd? He's hooked on those Turbo Tasties! "Bring on The Mad Man -- sticky fingers and all!"
DAME BISQUETTE: THE QUEEN OF PET ETIQUETTE! -- Distraught by the death of her husband, World Renown Unicyclist, Lord Bisquette, this Four Legged Lovin' Gem turned her grief into affection and started the My Sweet Lord Shelter for Wayward Mutts in Manchester, England. She credits a long and winding affair with a traveling Purina salesman for bringing her stateside. Since her life's gone to the dogs, Dame Bisquette has become a living legend in the world of pet care and obedience. And solid congrats to DB for holding the top spot on the charts in Germany with her smash hit single "Who Gave the Dogs Kraut?". Rrrruff!